My Encounter With a True Blue Lesbian and What it is Teaching Me about Myself.
News Flash… It didn’t end well, but it taught me so much about life and love and the world of female love.
Diana came into my life at a point where I was deeply unsatisfied about myself and why I had feelings and urges to connect with women. She likes me for me, stands up to me when I’m having moments of self-sabotage and self-loathing, and won’t let me back down without truly understanding why I feel the way I do. I love it, and I love how appreciated I am for me.
She came around by pretty much complete accident. Years ago I’d been confronted by her about an abusive ex a roommate of hers and I shared and I was less than kind to her about it. Eleven years later by happenstance I ran across the messages and decided to do something about it and apologized for the reactions I had to her and tell her that I’d learned that I was brainwashed to believe she was the problem and my ex was “blameless”. Boy was I wrong about that.
As we began talking, I started realizing that she and I had lots in common, and my deep repressed (due to my marriage) feelings were real and it is okay for me to feel them. I have a lot of unresolved trauma in my life that has resulted in poor decisions, a suicide attempt, lack of trust, numbing myself to what I am experiencing, and so much more. I have hope that even though we may never meet in person, she’s the right person for me to be in my life. She is the reason I am even writing again. I was stagnated, depressed, stressed, frustrated, and feeling like I was stuck and trapped in the life I’d made for myself.
These situations may still be the case for a long time, but I’m not going to dwell on them. She has given me so much hope for living my authentic life and I am forever grateful to her. So to Diana, (you know who you are) thank you. Thank you for reaching me at a very fragile moment and not letting me talk my way out of facing hard truths. Thank you for giving me tons of visual inspiration, for liking me (not at the L word yet) even though I’m a fragmented mess of feelings, fears, and self-examination. You’re beautiful, and I admire your boldness, your out there’ness, and the confidence boost to become who I really am.
My story started years ago, as a religious conservative and over the years, my opinions changed…see https://medium.com/@ughhhseriously/confessions-of-a-former-bible-thumper-2d6a33a72665?source=friends_link&sk=7641537c18b669cd23f4f46a25064d88 for a more thorough overview of that journey. I went through an abusive childhood, several abusive relationships, a cheating scandal, and so much more. It is heartening to me to be where I am now. I love it.
