What is Abuse? What are hidden forms of Abuse?
As a former psychology student, the topic of abuse, whether child or spousal abuse is very important to me both to warn others and to determine whether or not I am a victim as well. Since abuse is so damaging both during the incident and after, I am making it my goal to learn and end patterns of abuse both for myself personally and to change patterns of thinking that can cause me to accidentally commit abuse myself.
Growing up in a family where a parent has been a victim makes it sometimes difficult to determine if I am causing situations that are abusive (unintentionally) or if I am actually a victim and just don’t realize the signs. The obvious forms of abuse are easy to notice and avoid, such as being hit constantly, verbally put down on a daily basis, or neglected. These aren’t the only forms of abuse however.
There’s another kind that hides itself as “wanting to keep you safe” and “I’m just doing this for my peace of mind” and many other statements like this. Perhaps this person really does feel this way, but the way he/she acts upon these desires is where they go wrong. It is not normal or okay for them to go through your phone with a fine toothed comb, quizzing you on every single phone call, text, or internet history, messages, Facebook friends, etc. That is stalking and also a serious lack of trust and respect for your privacy and personal space. It’s not okay and you need to stand up for yourself and demand they end the behavior or end the relationship.
Also, having you stay home with nobody allowed to visit with them present, having to wait until they’re home to walk outside your own door or even let your children play outside during the day is not okay. If they say things like “why can’t you wait till I’m home to go do laundry or ask a neighbor for something or even walk across the street to buy food”, there is a serious issue.
This is controlling behavior. You should not have to beg for permission to let your children go outside to play. If you need to do laundry, you should be able to grab your clothes and kids and go do your laundry ( this is if you go to a laundromat or have a laundry room you have to either walk or drive to). You should also be able to leave the house to grocery shop or whatever without being accompanied everywhere.
Does your significant other require you to have a camera focused on you at all times and get upset if you leave the view of the camera or record your conversations with everyone who enters your home and then sit for hours reviewing the footage? That is also seriously messed up and not normal. They have no right to invade every single inch of your life and demand explanation of every time you weren’t in view of the camera. I can’t even think of an appropriate way to word this except that it is wrong.
I dealt with a spouse like this. What I’ve spoken of in this post actually happened on a daily basis. It’s not okay and I deserve better. My plan was to begin to confront the behavior and work on ways to address it and end it. I was prepared for if it does not stop and to take action to change what I need to do so that I can function as an adult and handle my own business.
In some ways, I feel at fault as I have had major shyness issues and allowed him to handle things and do things for me. I had been compliant, letting him dictate everything, so yes I have some blame on allowing myself to be treated this way. Not any more. I refused to be in a prison…if I wanted to be in a prison I would go commit a felony and probably still have more freedom than I do now. I don’t write this as a poor pity me but as a wake up call. Nobody deserves to live this way.
